THE CHURCH OF BEERITOLOGY ERD: "Okay, Good day, eh, and welcome to our cult! I'm ElRon Bob and this is my brother, ElRon Bob." ERB: How's it goin', eh? ERD: Okay -- we wanna welcome all you hosers out there to the Cult of Beeritology! ERB: Take off! You're not supposed to say 'Cult', like, you're supposed to say 'Church', eh! ERD: Oh, geeze, sorry! Forgot about that, eh? ERB: Don't let it happen again, you knob! ERD: You're just crabby because you're infected with Body Wheatons! That's when the acting career of Will Wheaton attaches its self to your body, eh! ERB: Take off! I'm gonna use the B-Meter on you! ERD: Oh geeze! The cops used on of those on me the other night on the way home from Hosehead's party in Ottawa! I got the high score and got to stay in jail all night for free! ERB: We gotta tell these knobs about how to join our church! ERD: Beauty idea, eh? Okay -- listens up all you hosers! Here's what you need to do join our cult -- ERB: Chruch! ERD: Uh, Church, eh -- first: give us all your money. ERB: Yeah! Don't be holdin' out, eh? Or the Body Wheatons and Xeno will come get you! ERD: I hate when that happens, eh? ERB: It sucks! ERD: Next, you gotta go out and communicate with beers! ERB: BURRRRRRP! ERD: Hey -- that one's communicatin' already! Get me one, eh! ERB [fishes around in ice-chest]: Oh geeze! We're outta beers, eh? We gotta come up with a new scam! ERD: Ok, uh . . . if you join our cult now, like, you'll get this free poodle and -- OH! It SHIT! ERB: TAKE OFF! I ain't cleanin' it up, eh! ERD: Take off! Y'are too or I'll tell dad you spent all his beer money on gluing fake arms on a goat to make 'Xeno'. ERB: It stinks in here now! ERD: Nothin' smells worse than poodle-shit! Oh no! Here comes the RCMP! ERB: GEEZE! Let's get outta here, eh! [ both run off, followed by 300 enrgaged cops . . . ] * 2 WEEKS LATER * add group alt.revisionists.morons.morons.morons (Y/N): N add group alt.television.masturbation.flipper (Y/N): N add group sci.discoveries.republicans.brains (Y/N): N add group alt.joel.furr.STILL.sucks (Y/N): N add group alt.religion.beeritology: Y Message #1 groups: alt.religion.beeritology Message-ID: Message title: BEERITOLOGY PROSECUTERS DISTORT TRUTH! sent-by: (I haven't had a) WOODY (in sixth months) reply-to: gutless@netcom.com [blah blah blah blah . . .] Mike "(c) 1995, Trades Secrets, Inc." Beebe -- A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded .45